


Enough

by inksomnia



Category: SF9 (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Kissing, M/M, Mental Health Issues, References to Depression, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-22
Updated: 2019-02-22
Packaged: 2019-11-03 22:39:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17886479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inksomnia/pseuds/inksomnia
Summary: Taeyang doesn't think he will ever be enough.





	Enough

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys and welcome to my first SF9 fanfic!
> 
> I've wanted to write about them for very long and SF9's recent comeback has given me lots of good and different ideas.
> 
> This one here is inspired by the behind pic of looking into a broken mirror and it's the first time I've actually written angst.
> 
>  
> 
> I really hope you will enjoy my work!!

It was deep in the night, the dorm rooms were dark and quiet. The only sound that could be heard were the soft snorings from the eight peacefully sleeping boys. The day had been hectic and stressful. All of them had fallen into a deep sleep as soon as their backs had touched the mattress.

And so, no one noticed the light coming from the bathroom. A young man was standing in front of the mirror, carefully looking at his own face. People told him he was handsome with his dark sparkling eyes and bright smile. But Taeyang himself didn't know what people saw in him.

Why did they think he was handsome? Did they even think it? His eyes weren't symmetrical, his lips were a little too thick and he always made weird expressions while singing. Maybe they were just lying to him, to make him feel better. Yeah, that sounded senseful.

Maybe his fans also thought that he didn't look that good next to people like Seokwoo or Youngkyun who were gifted with exceptional visuals. Maybe they just wanted to be nice when they told him he was good-looking so that he wouldn't notice what he had always known. He wasn't handsome enough.

People also told him he was a great singer and dancer. But compared to Inseong or Chanhee, he wasn't more talented than average people who danced in the club or sang in the shower. Yeah, Taeyang wasn't special at all. If he compared himself to the other members, he wasn't talented enough.

Taeyang laughed bitterly, still staring at his reflection. He looked tired, his make-up smudged by the sweat from their performance earlier and the tears he was crying right in that moment. It happened often, that the tears started to flow when he looked at himself. He hated it. He hated not being enough.

The longer he stared at himself, the more anger he felt. Why couldn't he be more handsome? More talented? Why couldn't he be perfect? What did he do wrong? He was eating healthy, drinking tons of water, working out and getting as much sleep as he could during his busy daily life.

His shoulders started to shake and the first sob escaped his lips. He wanted to stop crying but his heart felt so heavy, it hurt so much. Was it too much to ask to be a tiny bit more beautiful? Just a little bit so he wouldn't look too ugly next to his fellow members?

His rational mind knew that something was wrong, that all this was just in his head, that he needed help but those thoughts were hidden inside him, were buried under tons of self-hate. Would someone even be able to help him? What if they helped him but he didn't get better? What if he was too weak to fight against the demons in his head?

Taeyang looked at his crying self and felt a sudden wave of anger and self-hate running through himself. He was sick of seeing his reflection, he didn't want it anymore! He grabbed the hairbrush from the counter and threw it against the mirror with full force.

The mirror shattered, a few shards falling into the sink underneath it. Taeyang looked up again, breathing heavily. His reflection was broken, just like Taeyang himself. This was who he truly was, hidden behind his bright façade. He was nothing but a broken boy. Because he just wasn't enough.

A knock startled him for a moment. He quickly wiped his tears. "What?" He asked, his voice lightly shaking. He knew that whoever was standing in front of the door had been woken up by the breaking mirror. He had known they would hear it but he had been too angry to care.

There was no response at first and Taeyang was pretty sure that the other had left after hearing that it was just him. Another tear rolled down his cheek. Why would they worry about him? He wasn't that important for the group anyway and he didn't even know if the other members actually liked him. He wasn't good enough for them.

"Taeyang-ah?" Said boy was more than surprised to hear Juho's husky voice on the other side of the door. The elder actually had the heaviest sleep, they barely managed to wake him up on most days. Maybe someone else had sent him. "What do you want, hyung?" He asked, his voice more stable now.

"I've heard something break. Are you ok?" His hyung asked, sounding a little worried. Taeyang sighed. No, he was definitely not ok. But he wouldn't let Juho know. "I'm fine, hyung. Why are you even awake?" He asked, his eyes never leaving his broken reflection.

"I've still been awake." The elder answered. Taeyang wasn't that surprised. Juho didn't have any schedule due to his injury and therefore he didn't need to go to sleep as early as the rest of them. He had probably felt responsible to check where the noise came from and let the others get their sleep.

Taeyang chose to stay quiet and hoped that Juho would get the message and leave him alone. But of course, his hyung wasn't that easy to trick. "Can I come in?" Juho asked carefully and Taeyang didn't even need a second to respond. "No!" He said, maybe a little too quickly.

He could hear Juho sigh on the other side of the door. "I know something is up. Just open the door or I'll have to break it." The rapper threatened. Taeyang knew that he wouldn't actually break the door (Youngbin and the managers would murder him) but he also knew that Juho technically could break it if he wanted to.

Taeyang stayed silent. A part of him still wanted Juho to leave him alone and let him suffer in silence but the other part of him knew that it was the smartest idea to let his hyung in. Maybe he could make up a quick lie about the mirror and if he looked calm enough, he could make Juho believe that he was alright.

Taeyang splashed some cold water in his face before he slowly turned the key and opened the door. Juho entered the bathroom and looked at him with visible concern in his eyes before he turned to check the broken mirror. "What happened?" He asked calmly.

The young dancer bit his lower lip and tried to think of a proper excuse. "T-there was a spider on the wall. I threw my hairbrush but it hit the mirror." Taeyang said as calm as he could but when Juho turned around to face him, he knew that the other could see through his lie.

Juho raised his eyebrows and looked at him with a serious expression in his eyes. "You're lying. It needs a lot of force to break a mirror." He explained slowly. Taeyang looked down. "You did it on purpose, didn't you?" Juho gave him a soft, understanding look. The dancer could only nod. The elder would know when he lied.

"Why?" Juho asked quietly. Taeyang shook his head. He didn't want to talk about it. His hyung probably didn't even care at all. Maybe he just felt guilty because his dongsaeng looked so sad. "If something is wrong, you'll need to tell me. Don't keep it to yourself." Juho told him softly.

Taeyang felt fresh tears well up in his eyes. "I don't want to talk about it." He whispered and turned away from Juho. He just wanted to be left alone. He had dealt with his feelings alone for so long, he didnt need anyone to tell him that everything would be alright. Taeyang knew it wouldn't.

The younger looked so fragile, so sad, so... broken. And somehow, in that moment, the situation made sense. He carefully took Taeyang's hand and pulled him towards the mirror. Although the glass was cracked, they could still make out their reflections standing next to another.

"You couldn't stand seeing yourself, right? You hated that your reflection was so perfect. Because you don't feel perfect. You feel broken. That's why you destroyed the mirror." Juho's voice was barely audible and yet Taeyang could hear every word clearly.

Taeyang wanted to avoid this topic so badly but somehow Juho had hit all the right spots inside him. His vision got blurry, tear after tear rolled down his cheeks and just a moment later he was pressing his face against Juho's shoulder, sobbing uncontrollably.

Taeyang had finally reached his breaking point. After months of hiding his dark thoughts and self-hate, crying by himself and hating the face he saw in the mirror, he could finally let it all out. Juho was holding him tightly, letting him cry all his pain and insecurities out.

"I'm so sorry, hyung! I work so hard to get better but it's not enough, I'm not enough. I want to be prettier, sing better. I try so hard but I can see my failure whenever I look at myself. I'm so sorry for being not enough for SF9." Taeyang rambled between his cries, making it hard for Juho to understand him.

The elder was more than shocked to hear how much the dancer had suffered. Who would have thought that their sun, their precious bright light, felt so insecure about himself? He had always known that all of them had their struggles but he hadn't known how deep Taeyang's wounds truly were.

"Oh Taeyangie, don't be sorry. You are more than enough. I know you might not be able to believe me right now, but you are pretty and very talented, just as you are. There is no need to get prettier or more talented." Juho explained, softly stroking Taeyang's shaking back.

"But I want to be perfect." The younger admitted, making Juho shake his head. "You are perfect." Juho told him honestly. To him, Taeyang was perfect. "I still have too many flaws." Taeyang replied sadly. The elder felt his heart clench. It hurt him to see his precious dongsaeng like this.

"Flaws are a part of perfection. If we didn't have any flaws, we would be like robots. Perfect in an objective way but we wouldn't be special. But we aren't robots. We are human. We are special because we have our little flaws but we're all unique in our own way and that makes us perfect." Juho told him calmly.

He could see that Taeyang was still a little sceptical but that was ok. At least, he had stopped crying for now. A soft smile found its way on Juho's lips and he slowly began to caress Taeyang's face with his fingers. "You are perfect although you can't see it." Juho whispered.

"The way your eyes sparkle when you're genuinely happy and the fire in them when you stand on stage is perfect. Your lips are perfect. Your beautiful voice and passionate stage presence are perfect. It's perfect that you're a little chaotic. Even your clumsiness is perfect." Taeyang had to smile at Juho's words. "And there, you have the brightest smile I've ever seen."

Juho's fingers softly stroked over his cheek, eyelids and lips. The elder had moved noticeably closer while talking but Taeyang found out that he didn't mind this kind of closeness. Something inside him told him to lean closer as well and somehow Juho's lips found their way to his own.

The kiss was soft and careful. Their lips slowly moved against another, curious but confident. Juho was still holding the younger in a tight grip, lightly strocking his back. His lips were incredibly warm and a little chapped but the dancer didn't mind. They felt just right.

Juho lightly nipped on Taeyang's lower lip, making the younger part his lips. Their tongues touched for a short moment before the rapper slowly pulled away, his eyes still closed. "Please, never forget that you are more enough. You are perfect just as you are." Juho told him quietly and opened his eyes.

Taeyang's looked at him with wide eyes, his lips still parted. He believed Juho although he couldn't understand why the other would call him perfect, what he saw in him. He truly wished he could see himself like Juho saw him but was that even possible? What if Juho started to see what Taeyang saw someday?

"I know this is the last thing you want to hear but everything will get better. Not tomorrow nor next week but someday. You will need time but that's ok." Juho knew that the dancer would need a lot of time to recover from his mental injuries. He had suffered silently for so long, there was a lot he had to talk about.

Taeyang nodded slowly. He hoped that Juho really meant what he said and that he wouldn't leave him now because he knew how broken Taeyang was. "Will you help me to get better?" He asked hopefully, making Juho chuckle. "Of course."

He knew that the younger would need more than his comfort, he would professional help. But Juho was happy that Taeyang was willing to get better and allowed someone else to help him. The rapper wanted to do everything he could to support his (secretly) favorite fellow member.

Taeyang mumbled a small "Thank you" before he leaned in and pressed his lips on Juho's. The latter barely had time to react before the younger pulled back again and buried his face in Juho's shirt, inhaling his familiar, comforting scent. It made him feel safe and protected.

The two of them quietly held each other and Juho would love to stand like this all night but the way Taeyang was leaning against him, showed how exhausted he felt. "We should go to bed." The elder pressed a kiss on Taeyang's head. The other pulled away a little, looking unsure.

"What about the mirror?" He asked nervously. The rapper just shook his head. "I'll take care of it. Don't worry." Juho reassured him. He would tell Youngbin tomorrow and make up some excuse. Of course, their leader would need to know that something was wrong but he didn't necessarily have to know all the details.

Juho let go of Taeyang and went to open the door when a shy hand stopped him. "Can I sleep with you?" He asked, looking on the floor. The elder knew that it would be a little tight. They couldn't sleep on Taeyang's mattress because Youngkyun was there. His own bed would be a little small but they would manage it somehow. "Sure." He replied smiling.

The two boys quietly left the bathroom and walked through the small hallway of their dorm. Juho carefully opened the door to his room with the managers. Luckily, the two men were still sleeping soundly. Juho laid down on his bed, opening his arms as a silent invitation for Taeyang.

The dancer snuggled up against him, wrapping his arms around the other. Juho was warm, making Taeyang feel sleepy in seconds. "Good night Taeyangie." The elder whispered. Said boy smiled against Juho's shoulder. "Good night, hyung." He whispered back.

Taeyang closed his eyes. He still didn't know why Juho would say he was perfect. But he knew that, maybe, someday he would be able to accept himself, accept that he didn't need to be perfect to be enough. Taeyang knew his way was going to be long and hard and a part of him wanted to give up before he could even start.

But the other part of him knew that now, with Juho who was willing to be his rock, the one to hold him when he was about to fall, he actually had a chance to get better. And that thought alone was enough to make Taeyang fall asleep with a peaceful mind and a tiny smile on his lips.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked my work!
> 
> I know that mental illnesses can be very complex and not everyone accepts help that easily which is why I've tried to express that Taeyang knows that he needs help but didn't have the motivation/power to actually do something about it.
> 
> I've also wanted to use kissing as a gesture of comfort and trust and not (only) of love.
> 
> I know it's not a classic romance but I still hope you like it!!
> 
> Thank you for reading ♡
> 
>  
> 
>   [twitter](https://Twitter.com/tyaangs) | [ curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/rpm1212)


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